Hi, my name is ____ and I’m a Jackass

Everyone: Hi, Jackass.

First off, I like to think I give the best advice because people come to me so I can punish them with my supposed wisdom. In case any of you get the notion, don’t ask me anything I actually don’t know shit. From this point onward, I will be referring to myself in the third person as “Big Mouth,” from time to time.

So Big Mouth was checking her e- mail when I noticed I got a message from my friend R’s girlfriend. It said vaguely that he did something bad and wanted advice about the situation. No sooner than I had replied with “?????” that my phone when off and it was Robert—er, R. After beating about the bush he ‘fessed up about what he did. THEN, Big Mouth mentioned the e-mail…which sent R spiraling silently down about why his girlfriend would be talking to HIS friend about THEIR situation.

I know how he feels…if you make friends with your lover’s friends’, they are NOT really YOUR friends…notice the placement of the possessive comma that I most likely used incorrectly but I don’t seem to care, do I? Look at me. Did you see care? No? Moving on.

So I went to bed thinking, “well, I can’t take her side and form a united front against penis because this penis happens to be MY friend…” and on the other hand, “I can’t pretend he wasn’t wrong and ignore her e mail, the girl came to me bleeding…” I feel asleep and slept well mainly because it wasn’t my problem anyway.

So I check my e- mail this afternoon and she mentions how he was really upset with her for going to HIS friend but I guess she gave him the subtle Fyou because she asked me again about what she should do.

And of COURSE, Big Mouth didn’t do the smart thing by saying how I wasn’t in a position to get involved because—you know. No, Big Mouth went all Dr. Phil in a thesis response about the whole situation, with possible instances where I might have put my foot in my mouth, back pedaled, raped the relationship and spat on my friendship with both of them…her by default and him for obvious reasons. Okay, so I’m exaggerating, but I sent the e- mail and now I can totally see R BOILING over the fact that I am talking to her.

Let me just say this…if anything goes wrong, I hereby solemnly swear, in a sane state of mind, that my PMS is to blame. I pretty mentally mucked up right now. And I’m so bloated I feel like a manatee. So if I said anything more stupider (I intentionally wrote that…) IN the e-mail than sending the e-mail itself….it’s because I am a manatee. I’ll let you all know if I dug a grave for myself.


SHOULD I CALL HIM AND TELL HIM WHAT I DID???? I mean, he should know how daft I am by now…right???